Got issues? Buried frustrations or unacknowledged fantasies? Talk about it, they say! Yes, but how?
Vanessa and Xander Marin have just published Sex Talks, a practical guide to learning the art of discussing these delicate, possibly embarrassing, certainly exciting subjects.
Their target audience: couples in love, who have passed the milestone of passion and want to find a little spice in their lives, a connection in bed. All these couples who love each other, but who do not understand why the flame is no longer there. The famous flame that burned so strongly the first few months.
You remember ? How to forget it! Objective ? Turn it back on!
If it is here abundantly question of sexuality, desires and other pleasures, the interest of the subject goes well beyond the bedroom. Read the subtitle: The Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life, they say. Nothing less.
Because it’s obvious: when you have the tools, the confidence, the delicacy and the ease to talk about sexuality, “we can then talk about everything”, indicate the authors on the phone, in an interview from California.
And they’ve found a hell of a lot here. Because if we know that the key, in terms of sexual relations, but also love, friendship, family, professional, in short, human, is communication, no work, until now, frankly offers manual.
How do you tell the spouse that their technique isn’t perfect? Don’t feel like it, but just a little? How to talk about frequency, desire, fantasies, without offending the main stakeholders? Do you dare to ask yourself all these questions?
Before we get to that, a word about this daring duo of authors, together for 15 years: Vanessa Marin, 39, is a sex therapist, and Xander Marin, 37, her husband, presents himself as an ordinary guy (“regular dude”). Both pass the buck in the interview as in the book, offering a unique perspective, both theoretical and practical, on the issue. With all the secrets about their couple dynamics (yes, even under the duvet) that this implies.
And it works, to see the enthusiasm they arouse, both in the traditional media (New York Times, CNN, etc.) and on virtual networks (Instagram, TikTok). “I think people desperately need to have open and honest conversations about sexuality,” they say. And seeing us vulnerable with our own issues really hooks them. »
As proof, we learn here that they have done therapy, that they too have a more beige sexuality at times, and that Vanessa has even faked an orgasm for years. Yes, all of this is possible, even “perfectly normal”, they insist.
Better. Since they started talking to each other, sharing and exchanging, everything has changed.
Hence the book, therefore, which offers a real theoretical course in sexual communication, questionnaires, statistics, topics to be discussed and summaries included. You’ll find: in addition to the famous five sexual conversations to have (from the most modest to the most naughty: what are we trying, honey?), eight golden rules of communication, eleven of sexual personalities and six styles of initiations.
True, the authors cast a very wide net here. That’s the whole point: it’s impossible not to recognize yourself in the crowd of profiles put forward. And yes, it is amusingly illuminating.
Confronting at times, even. “What is good sex?” Vanessa Martin asks. Everyone wants good sex, but most people never stop to define it: what, exactly, is good sex to us? […] I hope readers will understand that these conversations are the key to experiencing the intimacy they have always dreamed of. »
“It seems obvious, says Vanessa Marin, but we often forget it. If you don’t have fun in bed, chances are you won’t crave it! »
“People will be surprised that there is so much talk about emotional intimacy in a book about sexuality, and yet that is the key. »
Are you more playful or tender? Do you want to be pampered or roughed up a bit? “That’s so important to figure out!” No one is the same! »
“Some people need sex to feel connected, others need sex before they have sex,” adds Xander Marin. And very often, within a couple, these preferences are not granted. You still have to know it to understand it.
The authors distinguish 11 types: givers, enthusiasts, explorers, romantics, etc. “But you have to know what type you are to understand what you’re looking for!” “, resumes Vanessa Marin. Want to explore? Relax ? Connect ? To like ? It is fundamentally different. Think about it for a moment.
