Many people are toying with the idea of taking in refugees from Ukraine or have already done so. What should you consider? FOCUS Online asked trauma expert Marion Koll-Krüsmann.
FOCUS Online: To support people in extremely difficult life situations is everyday life for you. That probably doesn’t apply to most Germans. At the same time, the desire to help is enormous, especially these days. Many are considering whether they can take in refugees for a certain period of time, for example. What is your experience: do the helpers do the right thing on instinct?
Marion Koll-Krüsmann: Not necessarily, so I’m really glad you signed up for this interview. First of all, it is very important to be honest with yourself: Am I willing and able to do this? In fact, rescuers have a certain risk of developing a so-called secondary trauma disorder themselves. I’ve witnessed this on several occasions, including with a young man who had taken in a Syrian refugee and was shown a horrific video by him completely unprepared.
This is of course an extreme example. In principle, however, we must assume that we will be confronted with stressful things as a result of our offer. It’s okay if someone feels: I can’t do this right now. Self protection is not selfishness.
For several months, many people in Germany have been helping refugees from Ukraine in a variety of ways. But how is the situation now? What can each and every one of us do to help, above all, with the integration of the refugee children? Holger Hofmann, Managing Director at Deutsches Kinderhilfswerk, explains in the live webinar on Monday, June 20th from 7 p.m. what he thinks is needed now and shares his tips on how to help meaningfully. GET YOUR FREE TICKET HERE!
Who would you advise against taking in refugees?
Koll-Krüsmann: All those who find themselves in a critical life situation. If I have just split up, am seriously ill or in deep grief, I probably have few resources. I can still help, for example by donating money.
Let’s say I come to the conclusion: I’m stable enough for the recording. What needs to be considered?
Koll-Krüsmann: First of all, the most important thing is good networking. Where is an interpreter? Where can Ukrainian children go to school? What opportunities are there for children and adults to learn the German language? Aid circles know that. And they also know how the refugees can come into contact with other refugees. I am not alone – this experience is extremely important for both the refugees and the helpers.
Let’s get specific. Suppose a Ukrainian family comes to my house tomorrow. What do I do first?
Koll-Krüsmann: I provide security. Once outside: A comfortable bed, a warm meal… It is also very important to set a safe framework. For example, to say: You can stay for three months. Or four weeks. Or also: a year.
Vague information, along the lines of: Let’s see first… are a no-go. What we can offer, we should offer. Clear and unequivocal. And if we can initially only provide security for the first two weeks, then we should do exactly that. Two weeks is not a problem, but for the time after that we have to talk again – it’s okay to say something like that. Assuming you speak then.
Speaking of speaking: Should the experience be a topic?
Koll-Krüsmann: In-depth discussions are completely out of place now. Some people feel they need to follow up in that direction, anything else is impolite. This is wrong!
Even if it is interesting and is understood as a form of interest in the other person: Questions about the experiences in the country of origin and on the run can have very unfavorable effects on people who have a traumatic disorder.
But you don’t want to beat around the bush…
Koll-Krüsmann: We know from trauma research that coming to terms with the trauma is not an issue in the first few weeks. Now positive experiences should be in the foreground. After an incriminating event such as a robbery or an accident, we only approach the incriminated person three to four weeks later. First, it’s really about renting security and stability in the here and now.
And if the experience is discussed by the other person himself?
Koll-Krüsmann: Then asking a question beforehand can help to get the conversation going in the right direction: Would you like me to say something about it or should I just listen to you? It is the other side that sets the framework.
You have just stimulated positive experiences. Can you give examples here? The situation of the recording again, the first day may have passed in the meantime. What would be good for my guest or my guests now?
Koll-Krüsmann: In the case of a child, even the psychological layman would say without hesitation: play. But it is also a good option for adults. Games that don’t need language and that can be learned quickly when in doubt are ideal. Un, for example. Mikado. Or yenga. When we sit down and play together, we kind of kill two birds with one stone.
Which one?
Koll-Krüsmann: The other person gets distracted, that’s good. In addition, we do something together, get to know each other. By the way, there is something else that can be very helpful now: cooking. If I offer my guest the opportunity to use my kitchen and prepare a meal for us together, I kill three birds with one stone: I offer distraction, do something for us together and I also give my counterpart the opportunity to give something back .
To avoid an emotional imbalance because one side thinks: I have to be grateful?
Koll-Krüsmann: Oh, let’s not make it so high. After all, it can also be an enrichment to get to know another culture. In general, familiar, routine activities have a calming effect. movement too, by the way. To put it simply, exercise takes the stress out of the body.
Does what you experience stick in your body?
Koll-Krüsmann: Let’s put it this way: Even when we’re distracted, the confrontation with what we’ve experienced continues unconsciously. Post-traumatic stress can manifest itself as headaches or back pain, through the cardiovascular system or through the digestive organs. Some one reacts via the skin or an altered immune system.
That’s why it’s so important that at a certain point people become aware of the debate. But again: not in the first few weeks. And probably not as long as the war in Ukraine is still going on. Incidentally, even a therapist would not go into the past now, stay in the present, try to look to the future with confidence, together with the refugees. Shall we cook something together? Or go out for a walk? As I said: These are now valuable offers.
That sounds a bit like “chin up”…
Koll-Krüsmann: And that’s exactly why it’s important not to formulate the whole thing as advice, but rather as a question. Or, even better: as a statement. According to the motto: The sun is shining outside. Or: The first strawberries are on the market. I know that may sound banal. But it helps to bring a traumatized person into the here and now and thus into stability. And that’s sort of a basic rule: Unless someone is standing securely and stable, there won’t be an argument.
Suppose my guest suddenly sits across from me trembling or with tears streaming down his face. Then I can’t talk about the nice weather, can I?
Koll-Krüsmann: Of course not. In such situations, consolation is needed. Not in the form of pity, however, it’s more about suffering with others. Compassion is something that happens on an equal footing. I’m up here and you poor sausage is down there, that’s the wrong level. The challenge cannot then be seriously tackled together and that is exactly what it is about now.
Yes, an unbelievably terrible thing happened. But our firm belief in the good must not be permanently shaken by this, and the terrible can perhaps even make us strong in the long term. Both sides, the helper as well as the fugitive.
You have to explain that, especially in relation to those who have been through hell in the past few days and weeks.
Koll-Krüsmann: In fact, we know from research that people don’t have to be crushed by emotionally stressful experiences. On the contrary: The aspect of so-called post-traumatic growth is gaining more and more attention in professional circles. Incidentally, I generally avoid speaking of victims. I prefer to use the term affected. Victims are helpless, those affected can take their fate into their own hands.
At some point what has been experienced must be given the chance to find a new order. We trauma experts also say: The thoughts and images must be allowed to move from diffuse to episodic memory. Let’s imagine a laundry basket with everything jumbled up, and then a linen closet with everything neatly folded and stacked. Sorting into the right compartments helps to regain control. In due course, as I said.
And then, if possible, with professional support. The fact that there are now so many people who want to help in everyday life, in daily support, helps those affected a lot more at the moment than trying to come to terms with it.
