“He’s too smart and it is his class don’t like!” — this assessment can often hear from parents of children who are more developed and do better than their peers. And sometimes even this collective dislike turns into persecution “child Prodigy.” Teacher and psychologist Alexander Romanov specializiruetsya on the problems of school bullying for the last several years, and before that she worked as a psychologist in one of the capital’s schools.
She shared with the “MK” his observations and gave advice to parents on how to avoid this unpleasant phenomenon, and how to help your child to build relationships with classmates.
— we should notify you: our conversation today is not about those cases where the bullying child had already begun when children are teamed up against one of his classmates, and especially not about when they use physical or moral influence, — says Alexander Romanov. In all these cases it is necessary to sound the alarm: in the process of settlement of the problem should include parents, teachers, the school Director may need to seek help from psychologists or even to law enforcement.
However, in the vast majority of cases such an active rejection begins gradually, the process is not fast. And I want to teach parents (and children themselves) to notice the first signs of trouble that develops in the team, to stop him, and also to understand what behavior may provoke a General dislike.
a word about the fact that the victim provokes their abusers, today in the public mind are perceived negatively.
‘ I know it, and yet, in the case of children who are, so to speak, the universal love, this topic can not be avoided. Although, of course, the fact that the victim provokes his persecutors, the latter in any case does not justify and does not absolve them of guilt.
Explain the situation on the example from my practice. Boy, let’s call him Victor, after 6 th grade, first went to summer camp. Victor — child is very serious, intelligent, good student, all his spare time devotes to reading books these days is very rare. Classmates of relationships not have any — neither bad nor good; parents worried about the lack of socialization son, and they encouraged him to go to camp — a good, quite expensive, with many groups and sections of different directions. That is, the children’s contingent there was the one that would have to come VIth, — children from families where the focus is on the development of children, and the idea is that the boy had to find a common language with them.
However, the change ended prematurely: after ten days, Victor asked the mother urgently to take him away, otherwise he will run away himself. And when they brought him home, he said what more for nothing in the world will not go to any camp. And the reason was precisely the confrontation with the other guys. “I was there all hated you!” — constantly repeated it.
We detailed, step by step was talking to Victor and his stay at rest. And it turned out that the first night, being in the house with three boys, Victor asked them to turn the music off they started to listen, because it prevented him to read. The guys began to object, after which the boy said that the music is terrible and shows their bad taste. The next day the other guys called him after lunch to play “Monopoly” in the gazebo. Victor told them that this is a primitive game, and he doesn’t intend to waste my time on it.
you Know, right? Of course, after a few days Victor became an outcast, he began openly to avoid, to ridicule his every word, to tease, to hide his books… And although nobody was allowed in his attitude no rudeness, even verbal (he admitted it himself), for a teenager with his pride and conceit even harmless jibes become a huge stress.
That is the reason for the hostility was the fact that the guy itself against the collective?
— And not just opposed, and did so defiantly, emphasizing their superiority. This often happens with capable, developed children in a family often hear talk about its exclusivity, get used to it and then expect such attitudes from others, including from their peers. But it is clear that no children (and adults too) do not like when they point out their imperfections — real or imaginary. So Whyte is fortunate that the school where he goes, its just ignored, not persecuted. Apparently at school he had less points of contact with classmates, and in the camp, where all are always together, his arrogance led to the quite natural result.
— do You think that the fault of the parents that they overrated their talented children?
— to Recommend children do not always great, but may be such that the praise is well deserved: the child can actually significantly outperform their peers, to stand out, and then the word “praise” would be inappropriate. But they need to explain and subsequently to be constantly reminded that once they are gifted, and one wonders with them than with the others. That they should be forgiving to others, to be able to yield, to give the opportunity to Shine and to others; that if they want to have friends and be respected among classmates, no need to emphasize his superiority.
your child is able to realize all that?
— of Course — we’re talking about developed and able�� children. Besides these kinds of problems occur mainly in adolescents, and the child is 12-13 years old and above it all could understand. One eighth-grader-a student at the school where I worked, once complained that she had no friends, and tease her a little. She never behaved arrogantly as Victor, but not hang out with classmates because, in her words, “with them it is uninteresting”.
I asked her: do you want to make friends? She said more than anything! Then, say why you say they’re not interested? She answers: I tell them about music (she studied in a music school), about composers, about his future concert and they don’t want to listen. I explained to her: if you want them as friends — so learn to talk to them about what they are interested in. If you were smarter — you should find common ground: with, who is smarter, more demand.
And you know, she understood. After a week came to me happy, said: after school went to play with the girls cards! Before, says, no way would not to do this stuff, but then I played, and she even liked it. But the main thing — one of the girls immediately called her on her birthday!
well, it’s all right to advise a girl from the music school to play cards with her friends?..
— And it should be the choice of most girls. She’s old enough to make such a choice to make. Not always a talented child (as any talented people) can find friends, peers in level. And then you have to choose: either to abandon them altogether, or to descend to the stage below. I do not think that this girl preferred card music — just it will not have complexes about the fact that it is avoided that she had no friends.
Parents should always remember that children and especially teenagers that surround your outstanding child, for the most part large conformists. Anyone who stands out from the pack, is perceived as the enemy. Therefore, in this case it is better to retreat from the traditionally acclaimed parenting in child personality. Rather, his individuality is not going anywhere, but you should teach your son or daughter not to flaunt it.
