The man makes a career and the woman takes care of the children? “Those days are over,” says career coach Doris Brenner. In an interview, she explains how two careers and a partnership at eye level work at the same time and why more and more companies are helping.
Ms. Brenner, you are an expert on dual-career couples. How does such a couple define themselves and what is special about them?
Doris Brenner: A dual career couple is a couple where both want both: professional development and a nice partnership on an equal footing. These are usually qualified couples where both partners are professionally ambitious.
How common are such couples in Germany?
Brenner: With the increasing rate of academization, there are more and more such couples. I work a lot at universities with master’s and doctoral students and I meet a lot of couples who say: “Yes, we want to stay together and have a good partnership, but at the same time we both want to develop professionally.”
What are the specific problems of a couple with whom both want to make a career?
Brenner: Careers are often associated with changes in life. An example is a regional change, when someone finds an interesting job somewhere far away from where they live. If a couple doesn’t want a long-distance relationship, they have to find a way to deal with it. Another problem is the workload. Household tasks, for example, have to be divided up well. It’s even more difficult with children. A dual-career couple has to clarify such questions. Professional support in the form of dual-career coaching can be very helpful.
What is your basic advice for couples facing these questions?
Brenner: The most important thing is that both of them are very open with each other. This means that everyone should first clarify for themselves what their professional goals are. And then it is important to create transparency, i.e. that both put their ideas and wishes openly on the table. After the professional goals, the goals and ideas for the partnership must then also be defined. Once all of this has been said and is visible to both of you, then partners can consider how these ideas can be linked as harmoniously as possible. I often experience in couples counseling on the subject that people think their partner wants something specific, although this has never been explicitly stated. Here it is important to uncover misinterpretations as early as possible and to work with the actual needs.
Is it always possible to find a compromise or does someone have to step back?
Brenner: That is very different. It can come down to compromises, but also waves. This could mean that in one phase one person takes their professional opportunity and the other follows along. However, the reverse should also be possible in a subsequent phase. Gone are the days when men pursued careers and women followed. In the long run, a partnership will only work if the interests of one and the other come to the fore in a reciprocal movement. It is important that both discuss this and consider their solution to be fair.
Where are the stumbling blocks lurking when implementing a plan once it has been made?
Brenner: The key point is how realistic and honest everyone is about it. That’s the most important thing. In the counseling practice, I experience many couples who really strive to find fair, good solutions for both of them. Any “hidden agendas” on the other hand are the biggest stumbling block. But then it can also be the case that you formulate a professional goal that proves to be unattainable. Then you have to have a plan B.
To what extent do children – or maybe just the desire to have children – complicate the planning?
Brenner: As long as there are no children, it’s just theory at first. I know enough couples who want to have children, but this cannot be realized, at least in the short term. So the first task is to see how a couple masters two careers and a partnership without children. In any case, it is helpful to consider positive framework conditions in the planning. The regional proximity to grandparents or the choice of employers that are considered family-friendly and offer childcare options can be mentioned here as examples. In principle, it is of course more complex with children, it requires more planning and additional external support services.
What support do dual-career couples get from their employer or from the state?
Brenner: Employers have now also recognized that for many applicants it is a decisive criterion whether they can manage the job change with their partner. What many employers already offer or what one can easily demand is that in the event of a move, the employer offers help for the partner in finding a job or advice. In Darmstadt, for example, there is a dual-career network in which companies and institutions have joined forces. Upon request, they will pass on applications from partners of new employees within the network in order to check additional employment opportunities. In most metropolitan regions, there are usually so-called “Welcome Centers” that familiarize new employees with the regional labor market and thus help them to look for a job. The business development department of the Stuttgart region, for example, offers targeted application assistance for partners with its Dual Career Service.
Another facilitation are flexible forms of work, i.e. that I can also work over large distances via mobile work and maybe only have to be on site for a few days.
In which industries or regions can two careers be reconciled more easily than in others?
Brenner: Dual-career partnerships aren’t just for the highly qualified. The idea came about at the universities, when professors get a call and job opportunities are sought for their partners. In a tight labor market, employers in all areas where there is a shortage of skilled workers must find new ways to attract good people and gain a competitive advantage.
From a regional point of view, there are now also many rural regions in which companies are merging in order to be able to attract precisely such specialists. For example, there are dual-career networks in the Ore Mountains and in south-eastern Lower Saxony. So this model doesn’t only work in metropolitan areas.
From your experience: Are the hurdles for dual-career couples more psychological than they actually are?
Brenner: It’s both. But I am deeply convinced that if both partners say they want a career and a partnership on an equal footing and deal with it openly, then they will find good solutions.
Follow the author on Facebook
Follow the author on Twitter
