Disputes can strain friendships. Delicacy is often required to prevent breakage. In some cases it’s even better to let friends go.
For friendships to last, a certain amount of tolerance and humor is also needed. “Sometimes you get angry with everyone,” says psychotherapist Wolfgang Krüger. In the interview, he explains how best to deal with arguments and alienation and when it might be time to let go.
Question: There was a quarrel within a circle of friends. Is it still possible to pull yourself together for a celebration and enjoy the time together?
Wolfgang Krüger: That depends on the friendship. If we constantly have ongoing conflicts that we cannot resolve, it is an indication of alienation and that in some cases there is no longer a common basis. We respond to this by completely withdrawing from or downgrading the other. Friends who were very important to us and who were in sixth place on our friendship scale are then only ranked in thirteenth place.
We notice that at the latest when we no longer invite her to her birthday party. When we have distanced ourselves further from them and no longer expect so much, we can deal with the other person more confidently again.
This is possible because we accept the fact that the friends are difficult in some way and no longer strive for a change. Then I can deal with the other person again and, if invited, I can talk to him about the potato salad in an emergency.
Question: Conflicts can be a breaking point for friendships. How is it even possible to overcome or disregard points of contention?
Wolfgang Krüger: There are a few secret ways when you realize that you can’t talk about conflict issues. For example, about the Ukraine war – should arms be delivered or not? Or about the climate catastrophe or about Corona. Then I have the opportunity to step out of the conflict level and switch to a personal level. Then you ask: How have you dealt with crises in your life so far? In this way one can get away from the actual problem and towards existential questions of life.
Then it may be that you can suddenly talk about other human topics with friends with whom you could not talk about Corona, for example.
But if it concerns life values in which someone represents completely different opinions, one reacts affected to a little skeptical. If this happens in many areas, a friendship develops and you notice that the other person has a different world of values. Then you may downgrade the other because you realize how alien they have become in their way of seeing life.
There are basically two options: struggle with conflicts or give up and withdraw. We can only ignore controversial issues if they don’t play a major role in everyday life and have no practical significance. So topics like sports, smoking or even religious views.
Question: At what point is it advisable to separate from the relationship better?
Wolfgang Krüger: There are no clear criteria for this, because in every friendship we have to accept that there is a bone we gnaw on. Sometimes you get angry at everyone. We also need a certain tolerance and humor in friendships. But if you keep getting angry for months, you start to ponder. For example, because a friend only calls to get rid of her stuff. She’s better afterwards, but I’m worse.
There’s a point where you realize we’re not doing well in friendship. Then you start checking them and take a closer look. And if that happens two or three more times, at some point you don’t feel like it anymore. It’s always a balance sheet.
